


i've got guns in my head (and they won't go)

by mindelan



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Nightmares, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sharing a Bed, but in this rebellion we talk about our issues!!, jyn and cassian are awkward and have a hard time talking about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 16:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11740437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindelan/pseuds/mindelan
Summary: After surviving Scarif, Jyn struggles with life in the Rebellion.





	i've got guns in my head (and they won't go)

**Author's Note:**

> the title and the lyrics at the beginning are taken from "spirits" by the strumbellas, which is literally the most rogue one song i have ever heard (it also helps that it's on cassian's official spotify playlist)

_I spent a lot of nights on the run_

_And I think  oh, like I'm lost and can't  be found_

_I'm just  waiting for my day to come_

_And I think  oh, I don't wanna let you down_

' _Cause something inside has changed_

_And maybe  we don't wanna stay the same_

.

 

. 

 

 

.

 

.

A faint buzzing sound brings her out of the darkness.

_“Your father would be proud of you,” Cassian says -- and god damn it, she has tears in her eyes and her hands are shaking so she clenches them into fists on her thighs in an attempt to control herself.  Cassian’s breathing  heavily  beside her, his leg at an impossible angle and an arm holding his side and every time he takes a shallow breath she thinks that it’s going to be his last, that he’s going to leave her alone on this beach to die._

She comes back to consciousness in bits and pieces. She hears the buzzing before she can move her fingers, moves her fingers before she can crack open her eyes. Still, she keeps them closed, trying to figure out where she is before alerting anyone that she’s awake.

It's a trick she learned from Saw. If she's caught in a bad situation, it's always better to seem as complacent as possible.

She can hear beeping on her left side. Her body feels heavy and her mind’s still a bit fuzzy. Jyn can only imagine the amount of medication running through her veins. Even with it, it feels as if her body's  been torn  apart and stitched back together.

If this is what it feels like to be alive, then she'd much rather be dead.

When she hears footsteps against the tiles, her heart clenches.  For a moment, she thinks she’s in prison again, drugged and left to fend for herself after a particularly nasty fight. For a moment, she thinks that her roommate finally got the jump on her, finally decided to try and kill her.

But it’s only for a moment. After the small wave of panic passes, she forces herself to open her eyes.

There’s a bright light,  momentarily  blinding her, but she adjusts  quickly. Her eyes are still crusty from sleep and out of pure reflex, she raises her arm to wipe them away. Well, tries to, anyway. Her right arm lays on the bed beside her, aching and heavy with bandages.

“What -- ?” she croaks, trying to sit up in her cot. Stars dance before her eyes, and she swallows a wave of nausea. Her body protests for a second but Jyn pushes through the pain and props herself up.

The medbay she’s in is pristine and  blindingly  white. There’s curtains surrounding her bed, cutting her off from the rest of the room. While she can hear the sounds of the other patients, she feels  horribly  and  terribly  alone.

_Just like on Wobani._

She glances down. There’s bandages running up and down her right side, which feels as if it's been on fire. Her left side, though still throbbing, feels better.  She assumes that she has more wounds underneath the thin blanket; she can feel the weight of the bandages on her skin. Despite  probably  using half the bandages in the medbay, this is hardly the worst injury she’s ever had.

But it’s definitely up there. Top three,  maybe.

_But he doesn’t. He doesn’t die, not before her, doesn’t leave her alone, and instead gathers her in his arms with what seems like the last of his strength. She holds him  just  as  tightly , hooking her arms around his back, mindful of his injuries.  Cassian tucks his head into her shoulder, nose in her hair, and if she thinks she feels wetness on her bare neck, she ignores it._

" _We did it,” she says softly , both to soothe and to convince. The plans are off to the Alliance and there’s hope. There’s hope because of them, because of what they all did here on Scarif. So she doesn’t bury her head in Cassian’s arms, even though she  desperately  wants to, to find comfort in him._

_If she's going to die, then she's going to look Death in the eye on her way out._

“Miss Erso,” a robotic and formal voice breaks her out of her thoughts. She closes her eyes and opens them again, trying to calm her breathing. There’s a medical droid looking at the computers next to her bed. “You are awake approximately twelve hours ahead of schedule.”

“The others,” she rasps, ignoring the droid. She needs to make sure they’re alright. Throwing the covers away from her bed, she struggles to rise before the droid intercepts her. “Where. . .where are the others?”

“You are not fit to leave your bed, Miss Erso,” the droid responds, tucking her back in and checking her vitals.

_Oh, for fuck’s sake._

She pushes back against the droid  just  as hard. “ _Where_ are they?” she asks a bit more  forcefully , struggling to get out of bed.  Black spots dance  briefly  in front of her eyes and her head is spinning, but she doesn’t care, forces past it,  blindly  lashes out against the droid.  The curtains around her cot seem to be closing in and she can  barely  breathe, but it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that her friends are okay and alive, she doesn’t care about herself --

“Please do not struggle. You need to rest  in order to  recover.”

“Just  kriffing _tell_ me! Are they. . .are. . .they. . .alive. . .?”

Something cool rushes through her veins. She feels sluggish, even more tired than she was when she woke up.  She thinks she’s  being drugged  again, but she slips into unconsciousness before she can question it further.

_She doesn’t want to die._

_The thought hits her so abruptly  that she doesn’t know where it comes from. All her life she’s been living on a day to day basis, waiting for the inevitable. But now? There’s a pang in her chest when she realizes that she wants to live._

_She wants to see this war through to the end, wants to avenge her family and her friends. She has to be able to help somehow --_

_At the last second, she buries her face in Cassian’s neck, trying to breathe. To hold onto life._

_The wave of fire hits them full on, swiftly  and  mercilessly.  She shifts, trying to shield Cassian from the worst of it, tries to cover his body with her own, tries to save him like he saved her on top of the tower -- but then she’s_

_burning_

_and can’t focus on anything except the white hot agony that’s currently coursing through her body. She’s been burned  before, of course, but this is different. This is as if her flesh is melting off of her bones, as if she’s going to turn to ash right on this beach._

_But then it stops just  as  suddenly  as it started._

_Her ears are ringing and her right side is on fire. She’s been knocked  back by the force of the fire and Cassian is no longer in her arms.  Faintly , she thinks she can hear screaming. It might be coming from her. But the sea breeze feels cool on her skin and she can feel sand underneath her hands and she’s alive._

_Somehow, she’s alive._

_Blindly , she reaches out next to her. It takes her a few tries but she finds him, gripping the front of his shirt as  tightly  as she can with her good hand. She doesn’t know if he’s alive, (hell, she doesn’t think she’ll be alive much longer) but she wants to make sure she’s not alone._

_The kyber crystal around her neck burns her chest almost as hot as the explosion did, but she finds reassurance in it as she drifts off into blackness._

The second time she wakes up is a lot like the first,  slowly  coming back into consciousness. But it’s a lot easier this time around -- her mind’s not as foggy and the panic from earlier isn’t there anymore. Her right side aches, but it doesn't concern her.

“Jyn! You’re -- you’re awake!”

She cracks a grin before she manages to open her eyes, pushing herself up in bed when she sees him. “Bodhi!” she exclaims, reaching out to grab his arm. “You made it. You’re alive.”

He grips her left hand as  tightly  as she’s holding him. “Yeah, I, uh, woke up yesterday. You feeling okay?”

“I’m fine,” she lies, throwing back the covers. This time, there’s no droid to stop her. Bandages still cover a lot of her body, but there’s less of them. She runs her fingers over them, pushing  gently  against her wounds to judge their severity.

Bodhi notices. “You got burned pretty bad,” he says, wiping his free palm on his pant leg. He’s no longer wearing his Imperial flightsuit. “You got out of bacta this morning. Your last round,  I think.”

Ah. That would explain the smell. She wrinkles her nose, wishing desperately for a shower.

“Uh,  I think  you might have dislocated your hip too. But I -- I can’t remember.”

“That would make sense,” she grunts, rubbing the palm of her hand against her leg. “It feels a little stiff.” She looks over at him, noticing the scarring running up his arms. “What about you? Are you all right?”

“Grenade,” he responds, not looking at her. He fidgets, picking at the scars. “They tossed it in the shuttle. I tossed it out but it still. . .”

She reaches up to grab his arm, careful around his burns. “Bodhi. Hey,” she waits until their eyes meet hers to continue. “Hey. We’re alive, okay? We made it. We’re alive.”

“Yeah,” he manages a small smile at that, which she returns. He freezes for a second, then lets out a breath. “I almost forgot but -- the others, they’re here too.”

Her heart clenches and Jyn shoots straight up in her bed. Even though her body’s protesting every move, she rips out the IV in her hand and the monitors off of her chest. Pulling back the covers, she  nearly  jumps out of her cot. “I need to see them.”

Of course, that’s the moment the medic decides to walk in.  What a sight the two of them must look -- Jyn, haggard and pale,  barely  standing on her own and Bodhi, who stands up at the sight of the doctor with a small squeak of alarm.

To her credit, the doctor  just  raises her brows. “Looks like you’re awake, Miss Erso,” she nods to Bodhi. “Mr. Rook. I’m Mena Dane. Want to explain why you’re out of bed?”

Jyn juts out her chin  stubbornly. Her legs wobble underneath her. “I’m going to see my friends.” She leaves no room for argument.

Mena glances at Bodhi. He raises his arms in surrender, and she sighs. “Miss Erso, you were  severely  injured during the battle at Scarif.  You suffered burns that cover the majority of your right side and back, a dislocated hip, and two fractured ribs.”

Jyn grips Bodhi’s shoulder tighter with each injury that’s listed. “I’ve  been hurt  worse,” she retorts, then wavers.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, the doctor responds, “Please,  just  sit down. Let me look you over.”

Jyn complies. It’s a relief to get off her leg for a couple of seconds, even though she’d never admit that to Mena. “If I let you do this, will you let me leave?”

_"If_ you’re healed enough to move around,” the doctor replies  firmly , unwrapping the bandages around her arm. Her skin’s pink and covered in burn scars, though they’re healed more than she imagined.  When Mena presses on a particularly sensitive spot, Jyn swears  colorfully, trying to get her arm out of the other woman’s grasp.

The rest of her examination takes longer than Jyn would have liked (especially when the doctor tries to put the IV back in her arm), but soon enough, the medic is rewrapping her burns with  significantly  less bandages.

“Can I leave now?” This has taken far too much time. She’s itching to make sure everyone else is all right. _Especially_ Cassian. But she shoves that thought away as soon as it enters her mind.

“The burns on your side are healing remarkably quickly. Your hip might give you trouble for a couple of days, but should be fine in about a week. The burning on your face is more severe than we originally thought, even with the treatments,” the doctor shrugs, “But I don’t believe we’ll need to do another submersion.”

“Great,” Jyn replies  easily, standing up from her bed. She doesn't really care what state she's in. Bodhi reaches out to steady her. “I’m going to go.”

Bodhi glances at her, then at the doctor. Jyn’s already heading toward the door. “I don’t think she’s going to take no for an answer, ma’am.”

“Damn right I’m not,” Jyn says, tugging Bodhi behind her. “Take me to them.”

The doctor stops them before the two of them can push back the curtains. “You have five minutes, Miss Erso. Then I want you back in here for another night.”

Jyn doesn’t respond, tearing open the curtains and leading Bodhi into the rest of the medbay, ignoring his apologies to the doctor. She scans the beds around her, pulse racing when she doesn’t recognize anyone lying there.

“C’mon,” Bodhi says  gently. “Chirrut’s still in bacta and Baze is still with him. The Captain’s this way. He’s in another room.”

“What do you mean, another room?”  There’s panic in her voice that she can’t reign in, her mask cracking from its usual state of carefree indifference into something more frightened. “Is he okay? Is he _alive_ _?”_

Bodhi stops, gripping her shoulders and meeting her eyes. “Hey, breathe with me, okay? He’s okay. He’s alive. He's hurt worse than you, so they put him in intensive care. But he’s okay.”

“Right -- “ she replies, pulling herself out of Bodhi’s arms and ignoring the flash of hurt that passes through his eyes. She clenches her eyes shut and pressed her hand to her chest. _Breathe. He’s alive. You’re alive. You all made it._

Once she can breathe  normally  again, she nods. “Sorry -- I  just  \-- “

“It’s okay,” he says with a small smile. “Don’t worry about it. He’s, uh, down this way.”

For a moment, she wonders what she did to deserve such good friends.  With everything she’s done, with every crime she’s committed or every person she’s killed, she shouldn’t  be treated  this kindly. A selfish part of her wants her to stick around and enjoy this kind of friendship while it lasts.

But then she remembers that she’s only known them for a little over a week, and despite everything they've done for her, she isn’t sure that staying with the Rebellion would be better than being out on her own.

( _even though they had all had chances to leave her behind, but none of them ever took it. jedha, eadu, scarif. hell, even wobani -- especially after she attacked them with a shovel. and yet here she is._ )

Jyn puts her walls back up. It’s easier this way. It’s all she knows.

Cassian’s room is quiet except for the beeping of a heart rate  monitor  in the corner of the room. If it wasn’t for that, she would have assumed that he’s dead. He’s so pale that his skin has taken on a greyish tint. His leg  is propped  up and wrapped from the hip in bandages and there’s dark shadows underneath his eyes. Captain Cassian Andor, who has at least seven inches on her, has never seemed so small.

_beep. beep. beep. beep._

There’s a plastic chair next to his bed and Jyn collapses in it. One of Cassian’s hands is outside of his blankets. She leans forward, as if to grab it, but hesitates at the last second.

“What happened?” she rasps, turning to Bodhi. He’s standing in the doorway looking as alarmed as she feels. “How did they find us?”

“It was Chirrut, actually,” he says  quietly, coming closer to stand by her. His eyes never left Cassian’s prone form, watching the other man’s chest rise and fall. “After -- after the grenade, I found him and Baze. By that point, it was a mess and. . .and the comm tower. . .the blast was coming. . .”

She nods, more to herself than anyone else. “You left.”

He wrings his hands, eyes darting around the room, now looking anywhere except at her and Cassian. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I shouldn’t have left you two down there -- if only I had been faster, _better_ \-- “

“Bodhi,” she says  gently, swallowing a wave of nausea. She touches his arm  lightly, though removes her hand when he flinches away. “It’s all right. You couldn’t have stayed or else you would have died in the explosion. I would have done the same thing.”

"Right -- I  just  \-- “ he shakes his head and tries to regain focus. “Once we were in atmo, I set the course for Yavin 4, but Chirrut -- he stopped me. He was bleeding out,  barely  conscious in Baze’s arms, but he said he had a feeling. That I should go back once it was safe and look for you two. So I turned around.”

“And then you found us on the beach.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how you survived. . .both of you  were covered  in burns and. . .Stars,” Bodhi drags his hand over his face, “I thought you were dead. We all did. But then you weren’t and. . .it’s a kriffing miracle, is what it is.”

_Her kyber crystal sears bright against her chest, hotter than she’s ever felt it before. Even though her whole body is on fire, she can still feel it’s steady heat against her heart._

“It was luck,” Jyn says  softly, reaching for her necklace. It’s not there -- it must be with the rest of her belongings. She drops her hand to her lap, looking down at it. “Pure, dumb luck.”

_Thank you, mama._

“Chirrut would say it was the Force that saved you two,” Bodhi offers. “I’m sure he would have when we found you, but he was unconscious too.”

“It was luck,” she repeats. “Luck, and your piloting. Thank you. I mean it.”

Bodhi flushes, scratching the back of his neck with his good arm. “I, uh -- you’re welcome.” Jyn turns her gaze back to Cassian. Bodhi notices the intensity in her gaze, stepping away from the bed. “I’m going to -- speaking of Chirrut, I’m going to go check on him and Baze. I’ll come back in a few minutes.”

She doesn’t say anything, only nods. Once the door closes behind him, she exhales  softly  and reaches out a hand, her fingers hovering over his.

_beep. beep. beep. beep._

She takes his hand in her own. It’s colder than it should be.

“We’re alive, Cassian,” she whispers. “We made it. Against everything, we made it.”

She leans forward in her chair, ignoring the way her body protests the movement. Tears gather in her eyes but she doesn’t move to wipe them away. “Bodhi, Chirrut, Baze. We all made it out alive. We should have died back on that beach. . .I thought we were going to.”

With a small, wet laugh, she grips his hand tighter. “I didn’t want to. I’ve been ready to die my whole life, but on that beach, I  just  wanted to live.”

_Because of you. Because of everything you've done for me in the short time we've known each other._

She wonders if he’s going to remember the kiss they shared in the elevator when he wakes up. He had kissed her -- or  maybe  she had kissed him. But she thought they were going to die and so did he.

She steels herself. It meant nothing. She knows that.

She bows her head  silently, squeezing her eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. The door creaks open and someone walks in. For a moment, neither of them say anything.

Then -- “He’s going to be fine, Miss Erso.”

Jyn lifts her head up to meet the eyes of Mena Dane. There’s sympathy in the other woman’s dark eyes. Jyn clenches her jaw. She doesn't want her pity.

With one last look at Cassian, Jyn stands but doesn’t wipe away the tear streaks on her face. “I know,” she says  simply, as the doctor moves to help her. “I know.”

“Come on,” Mena says, voice gentler than before. “Let’s get you back in bed.”

Jyn doesn't resist, too tired out from the whole ordeal, but manages to say, “I’m coming back tomorrow.”

The doctor sighs. “If you stay in bed for the rest of the night and let me examine you again in the morning, you can have ten minutes tomorrow.”

Jyn makes a face as they hobble toward the main room. Bodhi’s waiting outside the door and shoots her a thumbs up in response to her questioning look. _T_ _hey're okay_ _._ She nods back, relief clear on her face.

“Give me fifteen minutes and I'll cooperate,” Jyn shoots back once she’s settled in bed, working up the strength to argue. The doctor crosses her arms across her chest.

“You can have ten minutes, Miss Erso.”

“Fine. Deal. As long as you don’t sedate me this time.”

“All right,” Mena laughs at Jyn's scowl, then pauses, concern written across her face. “Try to get some rest, all right?”

It isn't difficult. Minutes after the doctor leaves and Bodhi wanders back in to sit at her side, she drifts back into sleep.

 

 

She finds out later that her necklace had shattered on Scarif.

 

 

Jyn’s never been particularly vain. Her scars have always been something she’s had pride in.  They’re good icebreakers too -- nothing gets a conversation going like lifting up the hem of her shirt and showing a vibroblade scar across her ribs that she got when she was fourteen.

Somehow this is different.

Mena Dane had given her ointment for her scars, to ease the pain and make them fade. Jyn had been using it ever since she had  been discharged  from the medbay a couple days ago.  Even though they've healed  tremendously  since Scarif, they still hurt when poked and prodded.

Which is exactly what she’s doing now, standing in the dim lighting of the communal bathroom on her floor, examining her face in the mirror.

The side of her face took the worst of it, she thinks, touching what used to be smooth skin. Her ear is a mess -- it’s a wonder she can still hear anything out of it. The burns stop  just  before her eye and snakes down the rest of her cheek and neck. It’s still red and angry looking, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.

Her back  is destroyed  as well. Almost all it  is covered by  scarring, which is hard for her to reach with the ointment. But Jyn’s always been stubborn. There’s no way in hell she’s going to go crawling back to medical to get someone to rub cream on her back.

So she deals with the discomfort. She's alive, after all, and has carried worse burdens than this.

With Saw, scars were something to be proud of, to show how tough of a fighter you were. In prison, everyone had scars. It had been more unusual to have unblemished skin than to  be covered  in them.

Now, with the Rebellion after Scarif? Her scars are a reminder. Every morning when she gets up to use the refresher, she has to look in the mirror and see them.  See everyone who followed her because of a half-assed speech she gave to the Council and see everyone who didn’t make it off Scarif because of it.

It’s enough to make her want to break every mirror in this goddamn base.

Instead, she pulls her jacket tighter around her shoulders and turns around, leaning up against the sink. Jyn lets out a heavy breath and runs her fingers through her messy hair.

Someone walks in -- another sergeant. Jyn doesn’t make eye contact when she leaves.

Mon Mothma had approached her after she had  been discharged  from the medbay and offered her a rank in the Alliace, if she'd like. While Jyn still has her reservations about being a rebel, at the time, there was no where else to go. After everything she's been through, she didn't want to go back to living without looking up.

So she had decided to join. And here she is. A sergeant.

She doesn’t deserve it, not when better soldiers than her died on that beach when she had survived.

She stifles a yawn as she walks through the quiet hallway, heading toward the hangar bay. She’s not the only one still awake, but she doesn't recognize anyone who passes her. Despite how tired she is, she doesn’t go back to her room, instead finding a quiet place to sit.

Mothma had put her with another sergeant who seemed kind enough,  certainly  nicer than the other roommates she’s had.  But Jyn doesn’t spend much time in her room, especially not after the first night, where she had almost attacked the other woman during a nightmare.

After Scarif, they've gotten worse.  She sees Baze and Chirrut getting shot down by Stormtroopers, Bodhi not throwing the grenade out in time, K2 sacrificing his life for theirs. And Cassian -- Cassian’s always falling and he never climbs back up, instead leaving her alone on top of the tower.

To stop the nightmares, Jyn doesn’t sleep. And if anyone finds her in the morning, dozing against a crate or a wall, they don’t say anything.

Really, the Rebellion is too good to her.

 

 

When the Death Star destroys Alderaan, Jyn grieves alone.

She lashes out, fists flying, the pain consuming her until she can’t think of anything else.  Then she slides down the nearest wall, broken and bloody knuckles cradled against her chest, and she cries.

A voice in her head that sounds  suspiciously  like Cassian tells her that she doesn’t have to bear this burden alone.  That the entire base is in mourning, and that it would hurt less to share the weight with others feeling the same thing.

She almost gets up, but she doesn’t.

 

 

“You look like hell,” Cassian remarks one morning at breakfast, sliding into the seat next to her.

Jyn scowls into her plate, knowing exactly how bad she looks.  With bloodshot eyes, dark circles, and a frown etched in her face, she hadn’t  been surprised  at the amount of recruits that had jumped out of her way on her way to the mess. “I’m fine,” she deflects, jabbing in his direction with her fork. “Shouldn’t you still be on crutches?”

He lifts one shoulder in a shrug, waving her off. “My leg  barely  hurts.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Under her scrutiny, he sighs and mutters, “Don’t tell the medics.”

Jyn snorts, turning back to her food. “No promises, Captain.”

“Really  though, Jyn,” Cassian says after a pause,  apparently  not letting her off the hook that easy. “You look as if you’re not sleeping.”

Chirrut butts in, “Even I can see it.”

“You can’t see anything, you old fool,” Baze retorts  fondly, stabbing something that looks like eggs off of Chirrut’s plate with his fork.

“Maybe  not,” Chirrut amends, turning to Baze. “But the Force is telling me that you’re trying to deprive an old man of his breakfast.”

“The Force,“ Baze scoffs. “The Force wouldn’t tell you something like that -- “

“Does your roommate snore, Jyn?” Bodhi cuts in, letting Chirrut and Baze banter between each other. “Mine does. Well, one of them does. It’s not so bad if you put your head underneath your pillow though.”

Jyn groans, putting her head in her hands. “I’m _fine_ _!”_ she cries out. “ Honestly, I am!”

Someone places a hand on her shoulder; when she looks up, Cassian eye’s  are concerned. “You’re not,” he says  evenly, holding up a hand when she tries to protest. “You’re not sleeping. If your roommates a problem, well. . .” he scratches the back of his neck  awkwardly, a flush rising up his cheeks. “My room is bigger than yours because I’m a captain. So -- if you wanted to crash there for a night or something -- “

Her chest tightens and she’s sure her eyes are  comically  wide. Her mouth opens then closes, and for a second, she almost agrees.

But he’s still healing and it would be unfair to deprive him of a good night's sleep  just  because she can’t deal with her demons. So she smirks instead, raising her brows. Makes a joke out of it when all she wants to do accept. “Why, Captain, are you trying to invite me to bed?”

Now it’s Cassian’s turn to groan, turning away from her in his embarrassment. She feels bad -- he’s only trying to help, after all, but doesn't change her answer. “Force, Jyn, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“You can never be too sure,” she says  lightly, faking confidence that she doesn't feel, standing up from the table and grabbing her tray. “I’ve got to report to training. Apparently, training under Saw for most of my life isn’t good enough for the Rebellion.” She pauses, bites her lip. “I’ll see you all later.”

Jyn turns away with strained smile. She ignores the concerned glances shot her way when she leaves. She’s  been tired  before and it hasn’t affected how she’s worked. Saw’s people  certainly  didn’t care. So why is it such a big deal now?

That night she doesn’t go to her room. Between her and her roommate, at least one of them should get some rest. And if she walks through Cassian's hallway on her way to hangar and stops at his door, she doesn’t linger. He needs his rest to heal -- she’ll be fine.

And  maybe  if she keeps repeating it, it’ll become true.

After offering help to a couple of pilots still up, she finds herself in Bodhi’s ship. Her bad leg’s propped up against the dashboard and she leans back in the pilot’s chair, eyes drifting closed. It’s not very comfortable, but it’ll do for tonight.

She’s almost asleep when someone boards the ship. As soon as the metal creaks with footsteps she’s  instantly  awake, her body tense and ready for a fight. But nothing happens -- at least, not until someone sinks into the copilot's chair next to her.

“I waited up,” Cassian says  softly. Jyn’s eyes  fly  open in surprise, her leg almost falling in shock. “You know,  just  in case you decided to come by. But when you didn’t. . .I thought I would come to you.”

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out. “For keeping you up. And making you find me. You should be resting, I know you’re not healed yet.”

He shrugs, fingers drumming against his good leg. “This is the first place I checked. Some of the pilots said you come down here every once in awhile and help with repairs.”

“Yeah,” she replies, uncomfortable with the idea of people talking behind her back. “I'm not much help, though. Saw only bothered to teach me basic repairs.”

“I can teach you, if you’d like. Show you a couple of things,” he offers.

She doesn’t see the harm in that.  Since neither of them have much to do until they’re cleared for active duty, she can think of worse activities to pass the time. “All right.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, gazing out the window. Cassian’s the one who breaks the silence. “Why are you here, Jyn?”

She doesn’t turn to face him, instead letting out a heavy sigh before she replies. “In Bodhi’s ship or with the Alliance?”

“Both.”

“I’m in this ship because I can’t sleep,” she responds  honestly. “And I’m with the Alliance because I have nowhere else to go.”

“Nightmares?” he asks.

“Something like that,” she mutters, squeezing her eyes shut as images flash in her brain.  Her parents dying, Saw dying, Bodhi dying, Baze dying, Chirrut dying, Cassian falling, Cassian _dying_ \--

“It might help to talk about it,” Cassian says  slowly. “I’m here if you need to.”

She doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “Thanks.”

But they both know she's not going take him up on it.

“Mothma offered you your freedom.  The Council would have cleared your name,” he leans toward her, scrutinizing her in the dim lighting. “Why’d you stay? You could have gone anywhere in the galaxy as a free woman.” There’s no judgement in his voice; she can tell he’s merely  curious.

There’s a lot of things she could say in response to his question. That she decided to pick a side, that she wants to fight for what’s right. Or that she’s sick of running.

But Jyn doesn’t say any of that. “Maybe  I  just  found someone worth sticking around for.”

 

 

When Luke Skywalker destroys the Death Star, Cassian finds her.

He pulls her to his chest even when she fights him, and when the anxiety has left her a shaking mess, he holds her as  tightly  as he did on Scarif.

“It’s over,” he whispers into her hair. “We did it. It’s over, Jyn.”

She doesn’t pull away. Instead, she fists her hands on the front of his shirt and struggles to breathe.

Cheers go up around them, but neither move away from each other’s embrace.

 

 

Jyn’s cleared for active duty almost as soon as they land on Hoth.  She goes on a couple of missions with the Pathfinders, and finds that she works quite well with Han Solo (especially since he lets her do a lot of damage). Despite that, most of her time  is spent  back on base, making it habitable for the Rebellion.

Which is kriffing _boring_. The last thing she wants to do is work on fixing light fixtures when she could be fighting the Empire. And it’s cold -- freezing, actually. She’s almost positive that one of these days, all her fingers and toes are going to fall off from it.

That’ll show the Council for choosing this planet of all places.

So when Cassian  is approved  to start going out on missions again, she tells him very  firmly  that he needs to take her on his next mission.

He decides to take pity on her.  She’s not sure how he does it, but he manages to convince Draven that she’d be the ideal partner for a mission in Coruscant since she grew up there.

“You know,” she’d said, after he had informed her. “I don’t actually remember much of the city. We were only there for a couple of months.”

“I know,” he’d replied, handing her the datapad with the mission brief. “But you wanted to get off world, didn’t you?”

Somehow, he’d even managed to get Bodhi assigned as their pilot. For the first half of the mission, everything went  smoothly.  The two of them had dodged the stormtroopers patrolling the city without any trouble and Cassian made contact with his informant.

Of course, Jyn’s never been on a mission that hasn’t gone wrong. This is no exception.

“I left you for two minutes!” Cassian exclaims, firing  blindly. A blaster bolt hits the wall of the building closest to them, sending brick and plaster raining down. " _Two minutes,_ Jyn!"

Jyn shoots behind her, taking out one of the stormtroopers in pursuit. Her hip jostles  uncomfortably as she runs; she can only imagine what kind of pain Cassian is in right now. “He tried to grab my ass! What the hell was I supposed to do, let him?”

“Of course not!” He retorts  indignantly. “But did you -- this way, come on -- did you have to start a bar fight?”

“I threw one punch, Cassian!” she holds up one finger, waving it in his face. He bats it away with a growl. “I restrained myself! If I was  really  trying to start a bar fight, I’d do a lot more damage than that. Give me some credit here!"

“Well if you hadn’t, we wouldn’t have drawn any attention!”

A shot comes  dangerously  close to her shoulder, singeing through the fabric of her coat. Jyn swears  colorfully. “Are we almost to the kriffing ship? One of them  just  ruined my jacket!”

“If we get out of this alive, you can have mine!” he grunts, grabbing her wrist. “We’re almost -- “ he cuts off with a curse in Festian. “The checkpoint. At the docks.”

“We’re going to have to fight our way through it,” she says  grimly, ignoring the burning in her lungs as they sprint toward it. “No other way.”

“Get to the ship as  quickly  as possible,” he orders. “Don’t wait for me. I’ll be right behind you.”

“Cassian -- “

“Just  do it, Jyn!”

That leaves a sour taste in her mouth, but she nods anyway, biting her lip. Cassian’s orders  be damned  \-- she’s not leaving him behind.

The stormtroopers at the checkpoint already have their rifles raised and ready. There’s only a few --  just  the four that who had checked them in before -- and Jyn can see their ship in the distance. As she runs toward them, she holsters her blaster and grabs her truncheons. “Cover me!” she yells as Cassian, dodging a stray bullet.

When she slams into the first stormtrooper, she laughs, hitting them in the ribs with the tail end of a truncheon. At the same time, the one coming up behind her goes down from a blaster bolt in the chest.

“Was a bar fight worth all this trouble?”  he calls as she takes down the remaining two ‘troopers, smacking one in the head hard enough to take their helmet off.

Once they're on the ground, she retorts, “I didn’t even get to fight at the bar. You dragged me away!”

They make the sprint to the ship together, Cassian grabbing her arm once he gets close enough.  They're hollering for Bodhi to start the engines and trying to shoot the remaining stormtroopers behind them at the same time.

Bodhi appears in the doorway of the ship, providing cover fire as they make their way toward him. “Can’t you two run any faster?”

“You threw a punch!” he shouts back at her, ignoring Bodhi to get the last word. “You definitely -- “

_"Cassian! Behind you!”_

At Bodhi’s yell, Jyn whips her head toward Cassian to see a stormtrooper pause fire a round  directly  at him.  She doesn’t even think before jumping to knock him on ground, cutting off his sentence and taking the bolt meant for his chest in her side and back.  White hot agony laces through the injury and she can feel hot blood starting to seep through her clothes, but her only concern is Cassian, who’s currently groaning underneath her.

“My leg -- “ he says as she hoists him back up, ignoring how her side protests the movement. “Think  I -- “ he falters and she catches him, propping him back up. Clenching his teeth, he grits out, “Same one from. . .Scarif -- ”

Jyn bites her lip hard, steering him in the direction of the ship. “Come on,  just  a little bit farther,” she murmurs, dragging him along beside her. If only she had been a bit more careful -- _Force_ _,_ she shouldn't have barrelled into him like that, not with his leg “Bodhi!” she yells, her voice cracking. “Help me!”

“Get to the ship, Jyn. I can make it on my own.”

She ignores him, tightening her grip around his middle.  There’s no way he could outrun the stormtroopers with a twice injured leg and she's not letting him sacrifice himself for her.

Bodhi runs off the ship to help her support Cassian’s weight. They hobble together  slowly, dodging shots and swearing  viciously.  Once they’re inside, he leaves her for the cockpit and she sets Cassian down against the wall, making sure she doesn’t move his leg.  The doors close behind them, but that doesn’t deter the stormtroopers, who seem determined to keep them on Coruscant. “Get us out of here, Bodhi!”

“On it!” he says, flipping switches and pressing buttons to prepare for takeoff. With a hand pressed to her side to stop the blood flow, she works her way up to the cockpit. With each blaster bolt that hits the ship, they come closer and closer to getting shot out of the sky. “Almost there. . .”

“Come on, come on,” Jyn mutters, leaning  heavily  against the copilot seat.  Just  a few more feet -- “Come _on_ _,_ Bodhi.”

"Give it a few more seconds -- “ Another shot. Something rattles in the ship and Cassian swears in Festian. “Got it! We’re good. We’re out of range.”

Jyn lets out a heavy breath, dizzy with relief. Her body feels shaky as the adrenaline rush fades. She claps Bodhi on the shoulder. “Nice work. You know where the medkit is in this thing?”

“Should be somewhere in the back,” he says, calculating the jump into hyperspace. “Probably  in the cargo bay. Hey, Jyn?”

“Yeah?” she asks, not looking behind her as she works her way below deck.

“You think next time we can, you know, not have stormtroopers shooting at us on the way out?”

Cassian snorts. “With Jyn’s luck, it’s doubtful.”

“Oh stuff it, both of you,” she grumbles, opening up cabinets at random until she finds the medkit. When she reaches to get it, she stumbles back,  suddenly  dizzy. When she presses her hand against her side, it comes away sticky with blood.

_Not good_ _,_ she thinks as she swallows a wave of nausea. _ Just  wait until you deal with Cassian. Then you can pass out._

She makes her way back up the ladder, her side throbbing with every movement. At the top, she has to stop and steady herself against the wall, breathing out through her nose.

Cassian notices -- of course he does, he’s a damn spy. It’s his job to notice these things, but that doesn’t mean Jyn has to like it. “What’s wrong?” he asks, struggling to get up. “Are you hurt? Your hands are covered in blood.”

“I’m fine,” she snaps, grateful that she’s wearing dark clothing to hide it. “It’s  just  a graze. Sit down and let me take care of you first.”

He slumps back to the ground with a wince and she kneels down next to him, head spinning. She’s grateful to be off her feet, but what she  really  wants to do right now is lay down and take a quick nap. Her vision goes blurry -- suddenly, she's exhausted.

_It’s the blood loss. Focus, Jyn._

“My knee,” Cassian says as she rummages through the medkit for a bacta patch. “I twisted it when you knocked me over. And my ankle -- feels broken.”

She focuses on his ankle, prodding it  gently. He flinches away from her, trying to pull it out of her grip. It doesn’t feel broken, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. Using her rudimentary medical skills she learned from Saw, she splints it to the best of her ability. It looks terrible, but it’ll hold until they get back to Hoth.

Next she moves upward to look at his knee, pulling up his pant leg as  gently  as she can. His knee is already purple and swollen. She winces in sympathy as she puts the bacta patch on it, smoothing down the edges. “Sorry. I acted on instinct.”

He laughs  weakly. “Sorry? Jyn, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have a hole in my chest right now. I should be thanking you.”

Her fingers linger for a second too long against his leg and when she realizes it, she lurches back away and hits the wall next to him. The abrupt movement causes her side to tear and she can’t help but cry out, crumbling in on herself.

“Jyn?” Cassian says, but she can  barely  hear him with the blood pounding in her ears. _“_ _Jyn!”_

“‘m fine,” she says, or least tries to. Stars dance before her eyes.  She clenches her fists so tight that her fingernails dig half-moon crescents into her palms. It takes two deep breaths before she can pull herself back up. “I’m fine.”

Cassian’s hand is hovering over her when she tries to sit back up. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He accuses, reaching for the hem of her shirt. She tries to bat him away  weakly  but at his sharp intake of breath, she knows he’s seen it.

“That bad, huh?” she jokes  weakly.

Cassian doesn’t find it as funny as she does. “How far away are we from Hoth, Bodhi?” He shouts, leaning forward to grab the medkit she abandoned at his side.

“We’re still a couple hours out,” he says, popping his head out from the cockpit. “What’s -- oh shit, Jyn!”

“I know,” Cassian says  grimly, trying to wipe away the extra blood from her side. When he pulls her shirt up higher, he swears again. His fingers ghost over the burn scars littered there. She can only imagine how bad they look. “Stars -- your back -- _Jyn_ \-- “

“‘S not that bad,” she mumbles, her head lolling against the wall. “I'm fine.”

As soon as her eyes close, Cassian’s hands are cupping her face. “You need to stay awake,” he orders, rubbing her cheekbones with his thumbs. When her eyes flutter back open, she notices how much closer he is to her -- their legs are  practically  touching. This brings a smile to her face and she leans forward,  fully  intending to sleep on his shoulder. “Jyn! Goddamn it, you need to keep your eyes open! That is an _order!”_

“You know I’ve never been good. . .at following orders, Cass,” she slurs. She feels something sting as it presses to her side. She cries out  blindly, but the pain is  slowly  fading. Her breathing begins to slow and her head droops out of its own accord.

It’s not long until she slips into unconsciousness.

 

 

Just like after the battle at Scarif, she wakes up in the medbay. But this time, she wakes up in the middle of a nightmare, shooting up in bed, her lungs constricting.

The heart rate  monitor  at her side is beeping faster and faster but all Jyn can do is grasp at her throat and try to catch her breath. The image of Cassian  being shot  in the chest at Coruscant plays over and over in her head.  She jumps too late, when they’re on the ground she feels the blood leaking out of his chest and sees the light leaving his eyes, she’s too late to save him, has to leave him behind --

Hands grab her arms to keep her from flailing out. “Jyn! It’s me, it’s Cassian. It’s okay, you’re safe. We’re back on Hoth. You’re going to be okay. But you need to breathe, okay?  Just  focus on breathing.”

It takes a couple of seconds for her to calm down.  When her breathing is normal and her vision cleared, she sees Cassian standing above her, looking exhausted. Once he sees that she’s okay, he collapses into the chair next to her.

Jyn falls back against her pillows, rubbing her eyes. Her side twinges  unpleasantly. “How’s your leg?”

“How’s my -- “ He runs his fingers through his hair,  clearly  exasperated. There’s dark circles under his eyes and she wonders how long he's been up. “Jyn, you almost bled out in my lap and you’re asking me how my _leg_ is?”

Jyn pauses, fiddling with the IV in her arm. “Yes?”

He sighs. “It’s fine. You did a good job patching me up. Don’t -- “ he pulls her hand away from the needle. “That needs to stay in until you’re feeling better. Stars, you are the _worst_ patient.”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. “Cassian, I -- “

“No, don’t even get started,” he interrupts. He pauses for a second to collect his thoughts. “You can’t pull something like that ever again, Jyn. You have to tell someone when you’re hurt! I don’t care what the rules were with Gerrera or when you were on your own, but the Alliance does it  differently, okay?”

She opens her mouth to correct him. Even though she had lied about its severity, she had said _something._ Cassian holds up a hand. “You almost died. Can you imagine what that’s like, watching you fall unconscious and then being able to do nothing about it? What were you _thinking?”_

“I saved your life!” she snaps, her voice growing louder with each word. “If you’re looking for an apology for that, you’re not getting one!”

“You almost died taking a shot meant for me!” He shouts, standing up to pace the floor next to her bed. “You don't get to sacrifice yourself to keep me safe! I have so much blood on my hands already -- I won't have your's there too!”

“It doesn’t work like that, Cassian! You don’t get decide what I do. I would take a thousand kriffing blaster bolts if it meant that I was saving your life!”

There’s a heavy silence that hangs in the air after she shouts at him. Jyn’s panting, all her energy used up in her argument. Once she’s breathing  normally, she adds in a quieter voice, “You saved me on Jedha, and on Eadu, and on Scarif. Let me save _you_ for once.”

A pained look flashes across his face and then it goes blank. She can see him shutting himself off from her, and she  desperately  wishes she could take her words back. “You don’t owe me anything, Jyn. If this is what has been keeping you here with the Alliance, then leave. You paid your debt back on Coruscant.”

“Cassian, no, that’s not what I -- _wait!”_

But he’s already turned on his heel and left, leaving her alone in the medbay.

 

 

She finds his jacket tucked beneath her chin when she wakes up the next morning, covering the parts of her skin that her blanket doesn’t reach. It smells like him and she burrows deeper underneath it.

_“Are we almost to the kriffing ship? One of them just  ruined my jacket!”_

_“If we get out of this alive, you can have mine!”_

She takes it as a peace offering.

 

 

The day after Jyn’s released from the medical and three days after the incident in Coruscant, she goes looking for Cassian.

It takes her awhile to find him. She’s moving  slowly, the wound on her side just barely  healed. He’s not in his room, or the mess, or the hangar bay. She even checks with Draven -- he hasn’t see Cassian all day either.

She tugs his jacket tighter around her body, inhaling  deeply. She’s worn it ever since she found it on her in the medbay. If he won’t let her explain herself, she can at the very least return his coat

It’s midday when she finally barges in on him. It’s  purely  on accident -- she hadn’t  really  thought he’d be hiding out in repairs. When she sees what he’s doing,  however, it registers.

He drops his screwdriver when she walks in, head whipping toward the door. He looks defensive, ready to explain his actions until he realizes that it’s Jyn standing in the doorway.

“Hey,” she says. Her voice echoes in the empty room. “Want some company?”

“I would,” he admits after a beat, standing up to hustle her to his seat. “Here -- you should sit. I don’t think that you should be standing.”

“Don’t tell the medics,” she quips, sitting down. That gets a smile out of him. As he drags over another chair, she looks at his progress. There’s broken droid parts all over -- joints and fingers and a single arm. A head sits propped up against the wall. She wonders where he managed to find that.

“Kay made a backup before Scarif,” Cassian says in response to her unspoken question. “I thought I could try to fix him a new body. If it doesn’t work. . .” he shrugs. “I guess I could always put him in an astromech.”

“I could always hijack a medical droid for you,” she offers with a smile. “There’s one in particular who has something against me, I swear.”

“Or  maybe  it’s because you’re terrible when you’re hurt.”

“I am _not,_ ” she huffs, though there's a grin on his face. They sit in silence after that. Jyn watches him work. There’s a certain grace to mechanics that she’s never quite figured out.  Saw had deemed her too impatient for detail-orientated work like repairs, and had sent her off to go shoot something. She hadn’t objected.

She wishes that she had. Still, she offers up her meager services. “I could help. Not much though. Never been good with, you know, repairing things.” She bites her lip. “I’ve always been better at destroying than building.”

They both know she’s not just talking aboutmechanics anymore.

“You’re wearing my jacket,” he says  slowly, as if that’s the first thing that pops in his mind and he’s still trying to figure out what he exactly wants to tell her 

“I came to return it,” she says, unzipping the front and starting to shrug it off.

“No -- no. Keep it. It -- “ The tips of his ears turn bright red. “It suits you.”

“Oh,” she replies  awkwardly, pulling it back on and zipping it up. The conversation pauses, both of them shifting  uncomfortably, before she dives back in. “I didn’t  just  come to give you back your coat.”

“Oh?”

“I wanted to talk,” she finishes  lamely. “About what happened in Coruscant. And after.”

“You want to talk? About Coruscant?”

“That’s what I  just  said,” she fires back  hotly, then apologizes. “Sorry. Yeah. I  just  wanted to say that I shouldn’t have hidden the blaster wound. I should have told you that it was bad. But I was so worried about you, with your leg and almost dying and all. . .” she shrugs. “It won’t happen again.”

“No, Jyn,” he reaches out to her, as if going to grab her hand, but pulls away at the last second. Jyn finds herself  strangely  disappointed. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. Not after you saved me. I mean, yes, don’t hide your wounds but. . .Force, Jyn. I thought I had lost you.”

This time, she doesn’t hesitate. She grabs his hand and holds it  tightly. “You didn't, though. I’m here. I’m alive.”

“Yeah,” he says  quietly, squeezing her fingers. “Yeah, me too. We made it.”

They both know he’s not just talking aboutCoruscant anymore.

“I meant what I said on Bodhi’s ship back oh Yavin,” she says  quietly. “I joined because you’re here. I mean,  all of  you -- Chirrut, Baze, Bodhi -- them too. But  mostly  because I wanted to stay with you. Not because  I feel  like I owe you for coming back for me, but because I want to.”

“I was afraid you’d run,” Cassian admits  quietly, not looking at her. “You were like a ghost after Scarif. And when you got injured, I panicked, thinking that was the last straw. That'd you leave as soon as you got discharged. So I snapped. Cut myself off from you. I thought it would be easier when you left.”

He turns to look at her, genuine relief shining in his eyes. "I'm glad you decided to stay."

“Me too,” she agrees. He dips his head in response. “Cassian?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” _For everything._

He squeezes her hand tighter, smiling.

 

 

That night, Jyn goes to his room for the first time since they’ve landed on Hoth. It’s  bitterly  cold in the hallway, even with his jacket and two of her blankets piled up on her shoulders. She hesitates a second before knocking, telling herself to stop being so ridiculous. She needs help, he offered it, that’s all this is. Nothing more.

When Cassian opens the door, he looks surprised to see her. There’s a datapad in his hand and he’s still in his parka, the one with the fluffy hood. For a moment, she’s lost for words. “Back on Yavin, you said if I needed to -- it’s kriffing cold out here. Can I come in?”

When he doesn’t reply, she thinks that he’s going to turn her away. She braces herself, ready to walk back to her room when Cassian steps aside. “Stars, Jyn -- of course.”

His room is a lot bigger than hers. While she doesn’t have to share with another sergeant here on Hoth, her room is about the size of a closet. There’s a bed pushed up against the wall, with a desk in the corner. On the other side of the room, a door leads to --

_“You have your own private ‘fresher?”_

“Uh, yeah,” Cassian says, peering over her shoulder as she goes to investigate it. It’s small, but it’s a lot nicer than the communal one she has to use. “Most of the higher ranking officials have one.”

“Remind me to ask Mothma for a promotion,” she grumbles, leaving the tiny refresher with a jealous sigh. She stands  awkwardly  in the center of the room before speaking. A flush creeps up her cheeks and she finds it hard to look at him. “Can I stay here? For the night?”

He softens. “I meant what I said on Yavin, Jyn.”

“Okay,” she nods, sitting down on the corner of his bed. Her fingers curl around the container of ointment she brought with her. Taking a deep breath, she says in a small voice, “And do you think you could help me with my back? I. . .can’t reach it on my own.”

She hates how her voice sounds, how weak she feels while she waits for his reply. She can’t remember a time where she hasn’t been so closed-off. With Saw, the tougher you were, the longer you’d stay alive.

And now Jyn can’t believe how  incredibly  hard it is for her to ask for help.

Cassian doesn’t even hesitate, moving to sit behind her on his small cot. It’s almost as if he can sense how nervous she is to be this vulnerable around somebody. He takes the container out of her shaking hands as she sheds the blankets and his jacket. He touches the hem of her shirt. “May I?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

She doesn’t miss the sharp intake of breath when he lifts her shirt. Even in the dim lighting of his room, it must look like a mess. She starts to get up when he doesn’t move to touch her, red spots forming on her cheeks. Asking him for help had been a bad idea. “I shouldn’t have -- you don’t have to, I’ll -- “

“No, Jyn, that’s not -- “ he reaches out to grab her wrist and tugs her  gently  back on the bed. “I want to help you. If you’ll let me.”

Not trusting her voice, Jyn nods, squeezing her eyes shut. She flinches when his fingers first touch her back, but soon melts into his touch.  The burn lotion gives her immediate relief, soothing away all the discomfort that she’s  been forced  to bear since Scarif. She should have asked him to do this a long time ago.

He finishes  quickly, though leaves her shirt up by her shoulders so the ointment can dry. She turns to him, throat dry. “Do you. . .” she motions to the jar in his hands. “I can help you too. If you want.”

“I wasn’t burned as  badly  as you,” he says, standing up to place the jar on his desk. The bed feels colder without him sitting next to her. “Why did you do that?” At her look of confusion, he elaborates. “On Scarif. You moved to cover me from the blast.”

_Oh._ She hadn't thought he noticed. 

“I thought we were going to die,” she admits. “We should have. But even then. . .I wanted to protect you. I wouldn't have been able to bear it if. . .”

It sounds crazy, she knows, trailing off. She can't exactly explain _why_ she did it, only that she had to. In that moment, she had felt as if there were no other choice.

And months later, she still feels the same.

But Cassian’s nodding as if he understands exactly what she’s saying. They don’t say anything after that. Jyn tugs her shirt back down, pulling his jacket and the blankets back around her shoulders. She opens her mouth to speak, but he beats her to it. “You can have the bed. I’ll take the floor.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says immediately, making a spot for herself up against the wall. With her extra blankets combined with his, it’s a lot warmer than her cot is. “It’s your room. There’s enough space for both of us.”

For a second, he looks like he’s going to object, but decides against it. With a sigh, he slides in next to her, careful not to touch her.

It’s too cold not to share body heat.  That’s why as soon as Cassian gets settle next to her, she immediately moves to his side, wrapping her arms around his torso.

_“Jyn_ \-- “

“Shush,” she murmurs, burrowing her head into the crook of his shoulder. When he wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer to him, she lets out a sigh of pleasure.

“ -- You’re still wearing my jacket.”

“Mhmm,” she agrees. “It’s warm. And it smells like you.”

He chuckles at that, resting his cheek on top of her head. As she drifts off to sleep, she swears that she can feel his lips against her forehead.

It’s the best night of sleep she’s gotten ever since she’s joined the Alliance.  And when they’re both a little late to a debriefing the next morning, bleary-eyed and still disheveled from sleep, it doesn't matter. 

For the first time in as long as she can remember, she's _happy._

(In the back of the room, Chirrut hits Baze with his walking stick, a knowing smile playing across his lips.)

 

 

Jyn comes back to his room the next night. And the night after that and the one after that too. Soon enough, she's spending more time in his rooms than she is in her own.

Nobody’s surprised when she decides to move in with him shortly after.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading. what was supposed to be a 2-3k long oneshot suddenly turned into something a lot bigger. 
> 
> i'm definitely late to the rogue one party. i watched it for the first time a couple weeks ago and have been obsessed with it ever since. and i'll admit -- i'm a bit of a fake star wars fan. besides rogue one, i've only seen the force awakens. even though i know what happens in the trilogy, i'm sure there's some continuity mistakes in here. please let me know and i can fix them!
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading.


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